Let me see if I can come up with a good enough simile for my situation here. I mean, with regard to the issue of writing for this site.
Okay, let’s try this: You know how you have deadlines by which you have to do something, but they’re the type that are established way, way before you know you really have to get cracking on the project, whatever it might be? And then the days pass, become weeks, and you know that at some point, you really ought to get started? Now, hold that feeling, and then make it so there’s absolutely no obligation on your part to do anything. In fact, no one knows anything about the situation at all.
That’s how I’ve been feeling for the past few days. I catch myself, sometimes, forming phrases and sentences and paragraphs and scenes in my head, wanting to put them down into words before I lose them, but the time never seems quite right. There’s all these other things I have to do first, or something of that sort.
And then there’s the matter of who might be following along here. Not knowing whether a certain someone is keeping up with me in these pages has had what’s called a “chilling effect” on my writing.
I’ve been reluctant to write lately, knowing that at one point at least, I had an unexpected audience member. Repercussions can be a real bitch….
So this is why I’ve subdued any urges I’ve had to express something by tinkering with the index.htm layout, putting bits and pieces up, et cetera. The old site had a lot of followers–mostly strangers, which was cool because it emboldened me and allowed me to write uncensored. Since moving here to the new site, though, I’ve found myself much more protective of my privacy. I’m editing myself, which sucks because the whole point of this blog–of blogging in general–is to be free to write…unencumbered, unedited, about all things from the mundane to the existential. Right?
I’ve tried to be cheerful, avoiding my usual practice of dumping my neuroses online–God, I wonder how fucked up I must seem to any of you who only know me through my writing here? I’d like to think I’m much more down to earth and reasonable and non-gloomy than I may appear. Is that coming across yet?