The One With The Reasons

Let me see if I can come up with a good enough simile for my situation here. I mean, with regard to the issue of writing for this site. 

Hmmmm.

Okay, let’s try this: You know how you have deadlines by which you have to do something, but they’re the type that are established way, way before you know you really have to get cracking on the project, whatever it might be? And then the days pass, become weeks, and you know that at some point, you really ought to get started? Now, hold that feeling, and then make it so there’s absolutely no obligation on your part to do anything. In fact, no one knows anything about the situation at all.

That’s how I’ve been feeling for the past few days. I catch myself, sometimes, forming phrases and sentences and paragraphs and scenes in my head, wanting to put them down into words before I lose them, but the time never seems quite right. There’s all these other things I have to do first, or something of that sort. 

And then there’s the matter of who might be following along here. Not knowing whether a certain someone is keeping up with me in these pages has had what’s called a “chilling effect” on my writing.

I’ve been reluctant to write lately, knowing that at one point at least, I had an unexpected audience member. Repercussions can be a real bitch….

So this is why I’ve subdued any urges I’ve had to express something by tinkering with the index.htm layout, putting bits and pieces up, et cetera. The old site had a lot of followers–mostly strangers, which was cool because it emboldened me and allowed me to write uncensored. Since moving here to the new site, though, I’ve found myself much more protective of my privacy. I’m editing myself, which sucks because the whole point of this blog–of blogging in general–is to be free to write…unencumbered, unedited, about all things from the mundane to the existential. Right? 

I’ve tried to be cheerful, avoiding my usual practice of dumping my neuroses online–God, I wonder how fucked up I must seem to any of you who only know me through my writing here? I’d like to think I’m much more down to earth and reasonable and non-gloomy than I may appear. Is that coming across yet?

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Rimbaud

I read last night. I revisited my old friend and enemy Rimbaud to quiet the thoughts. There’s a lot to learn in his madness. About shadows and chaos and terror and escape. Reading his words is, at times, dizzying and most assuredly manic. Lots of flailing, mental flailing, to find the meaning and apply it to the crisis at hand. Anyway. It did the trick until the night released its grip on me as the sun came up. So there’s that, I guess. Still, indulging in Rimbaud is perhaps the most dangerous indulgence. At least it always was for me. There’s a power in his prose that has the capacity for both good and evil. Pretty impressive for a guy who managed to die a year younger than I’ve managed to live thus far. Definitely a love/hate relationship with young Arthur.

Conradictions

I can be a wimp about the cold, but one of my goals is to summit Mt. Kilimanjaro before its ice cap is gone.

I think reality TV is a blight on the modern world, but secretly I’m a fan of Little People, Big World and I’ve watched The Real World since its inception 16 years ago.

I think hiking is great, and I try to get out regularly, but when night comes, there’s nothing like a warm bed in a cozy room.

I’m disappointed to see the US-centric homogenization of world culture, but how cool is it to have a Starbucks in Tokyo.

I’m fascinated with and admire many foreign cultures, but I worry about the long-term effects of immigrant populations that don’t assimilate into their adopted countries.

A big part of my career has been based on computing technologies, and I don’t go anywhere without my laptop, but I occasionally wonder how much net benefit we derive from personal computers.

I’m grateful for having been born in the US, and love much about my country, but I sometimes think I might be happier someplace kinder and gentler.

I’m ambiguous, at best, about religion, and haven’t practiced my personal religion (Lutheranism) in some time, but I want to make the kora around Mt. Kailas, the Tibetan trek that is said to cleanse past sins.

I dream of visiting far-away places where history comes alive and we become acutely aware of our existence and how it relates to generations past, but I’m horrified by the thought of actually doing the traveling so instead I translate my dreams into words and let my mind travel wherever my heart desires.

I’m a tree-hugging hippie at heart, but I drive a gas-guzzling, environment destroying SUV.

I try to keep healthy by going to the gym and following a vegetarian, organic diet, but put a pizza and a beer in front of me and I’m all done.

I find that as I cast off possessions, I become happier, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting an iPod.