I’m here. Back? Again. Still? It’s all very confusing. I remember very little of the last few weeks.
Before: I remember feeling quite unwell. Weak. Hurting. Scared. But determined. Determined that I was doing the right thing by not doing anything. Sure this was the right decision. Confident in my resolve. I actually felt at peace with the decision. I thought I did anyway. I woke up one day feeling worse than usual. I remember coughing up blood. I remember feeling very disconnected from everything. I remember screaming in pain. And then it goes blank.
After: I remember waking up, a tube down my throat, unable to move. I was tethered to a myriad of beeping, flashing machines. It wasn’t an entirely unfamiliar sight, but something was different this time. Something felt different. As my eyes adjusted after being closed for the better part of a week, my head with swimming with memories. Falling, crashing, struggling for breath. I started thrashing against the various tubes that were holding me in place. A nurse came running in to calm me. Was I alive? Jesus, I was alive. My eyes closed again and didn’t open for another 30 hours. When I awoke this time, I was staring into face of my doctor. He was talking, but I could only hear half of what he was saying. It was hard to keep my eyes open, let alone concentrate on a conversation.
“Stop fighting me, stop fighting yourself, start fighting the disease,” I heard. “You deserve to live.”
He said those words, and the tears began go roll. I wept silently as he left me to ponder that thought, which he did only after touching my shoulder in a show of affection. A touch. An affectionate touch. That gesture did more for me than any medicine could at that moment. It had been so long since I’d had any physical contact that didn’t end in pain. Humans aren’t meant to live free of contact. If I’d have had the strength I would have reached out for an embrace. God, what I’d do for a hug right now. A touch to know I’m alive and that someone cares. Did I believe his words? Did I deserve to live? Did anyone care? He did. And at that moment, that was all that mattered.
I’m such a wretched mess. A broken shell of who I once promised to be. The next few days had me feeling anxious and confused. Also sad. I didn’t know what to do. That’s just a fact. I say I know what I wanted. I say I’d made my choice. But the truth is I didn’t have a clue. The truth is this wasn’t my decision to make; I had no right to make it. The truth is I was terrified that I’d choose wrong. And so there I was, lying in a hospital bed having made the decision to come off meds and let nature takes its course, only now I’m thinking that maybe that’s wrong. Maybe that’s letting the bad guys win. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned it is that while they may have won some battles, it is NOT ok to let them win the war.
So. Decision time. What do I do? God knows I’ve had time on my hands to weigh the options. On the surface, they’re pretty clear cut: Take the meds and I can stay alive. Don’t take the meds and I’m absolutely hastening my death. My body is breaking down. My t-cells have bottomed out, my viral load is through the roof. I’m battling infections and exhaustion and addiction, and physical trauma.
Those are my options: life or death. Sure, on the surface, the options are clear. But there’s a tangled mess that runs deep beneath both those choices. To choose to go back on the meds means I have to choose life. I have to WANT to live and want it badly, because there’s a whole world of hurt that goes along with living and I need to know I can face it and deal with it, and do it alone. Otherwise, this is all just a waste of time. Choosing life means that my physical self will surely improve. The doctors can control most of that. I can feel good again. I can exist without, or basically without, pain. The infections can be dealt with. I can regain strength.
But it’s the other part of me that’s of concern. If I choose life it means I have to go back to dealing with all that comes with it and I have to do it sober. For a long time I managed to do just that. I had a good life. I was blessed with a lot of good things. Most important, I had once surrounded myself with people who loved me and whom I loved. You can’t live life in a vacuum. I’ve been doing just that for the better part of 2 years. I’ve isolated myself, and in doing so have forgotten what it means to be alive. Many of my friends long ago gave up on me. They couldn’t understand my self-loathing. It made them uncomfortable. They watched me go from a successful, happy person living a full life, to this empty, hot mess. They couldn’t bear to watch any longer. Who could blame them? Slowly, they floated from the center of my life to the periphery, and finally vanished altogether.
If I choose to live I have to be prepared for what that means. It’s going to be a struggle to stay sober because it’s easier to face this stuff completely numb. But if I go back to using then I may as well make sure I take enough to stop my heart because it will all just be a colossal waste. Living means I have to deal with the abuse from my past. If I don’t deal with it the terror will consume me in short order. It always does. It means facing my abuser. It means reaching back 30 years to begin to heal the child I was in order to accept the adult I am. It means I have to learn to face the shame. It means I have to learn to NOT hate myself. Do I have it in me to do that?
I flatlined twice on my way to the hospital that day, nearly a month ago. I died. I remember things. I think I do anyway. I’m a believer. In God, in a life beyond this mortal coil. And I’m sure my beliefs (and fervent hopes) have in some way skewed the reality of what I actually experienced. To that end, I’m not going to write about those things. Not yet anyway. I want to keep that for myself for now.
Right now I have to deal with what’s in front of me. I’ve lost the hearing in my right ear thanks to one of the infections I didn’t bother seeking treatment for. Physically I’m weaker than I’ve ever been. I can’t walk without assistance. My speech is impaired. My lungs still ache when I breathe in too deeply. My gut is a pit of fire. I have a feeding tube that’s delivering the necessary nutrition. My desire to eat is nonexistent.
I just feel very alone. I’m wholly unsure of my ability to deal with what’s headed my way. I know one thing: I have a lot to work out. I don’t want to die in this misery. I thought I was ready. I was wrong.
A month ago I was feeling quite apathetic about life. I didn’t have a death wish, exactly. But I also didn’t have anything resembling a life wish. The demon of apathy had taken possession of me at a very early age. I felt her shadow across my path constantly. It was like a shadow of disapproval, silent and insidious, like a poison slowly injected into the veins. Something else I know a bit about.
As I sit here, struggling to come to terms with this reality, all I can do is write it out. It’s all I’ve ever done. I want to write of my desire to live, but it’s so new to me I hardly know where to start, except to say that my hunger for life is insatiable, but so too, is my fear of it. A fear born from evil, deeply imbued. A fear whose birth I can directly pinpoint. The years which have intervened since that day of the Fear belong to that dark side of life in whose shadow I have struggled to breathe. It is indeed an affliction which poisoned me at the zenith and the nadir of my being, no matter how gallantly I struggle against it.
But the Words will come. They always do. And for now, as ever before, they will sustain me. They will give me strength, the Words.